The Children's Hero (Profile essay - draft 2)

The Children's Hero

“I remember displaced families and people running across streets as fast as they could run. We had a lot of trouble with snipers at the time.” His face stern as scenes of Bosnia shadow across it. “Also, the absence of color. The villages were shell ridden and dreary. It was a very depressing place. I feel our presence made a difference and I am proud that NATO intervened.”

Kevin Stone , now at 36 years of age, and his unit spent eighteen months establishing and then preserving peace during and after the war. “I had never seen death before until Bosnia. I appreciate life more now based on my military experiences.” After seeing what war brings, he adapted a “"Kill them all and let God sort them out" view. How would that attitude affect his life after his term of service? Kevin always had an open mind to find the drive and accomplish his goals but would this new view corrupt him? Kevin's military past would abruptly decide his civilian future for him.

His green eyes are gazing at the photos of family and fellow soldiers on the crimson walls of his office. Kevin, sitting back in his computer chair, runs his hand through his short dark hair and asks me if I'd like to see some of the stuff he brought back from his time spent overseas. I gather my things from the interview and follow the stocky 5'7” veteran. Kevin leads me back down a flight of carpeted stairs back to the living room area where a glass hutch is proudly displaying various objects from different parts of the world.

“My highest award is the Army Commendation medal, but I am most proud of my Schützenschnur.” He points to a beautifully braided silver cord that is wrapped around the Bundeswehr eagle medal at the top. The Bundeswehr Schützenschnur is awarded to enlisted soldiers for weapons proficiency with a G36 German service rifle, a P8 pistol, and an MG3 machine gun. Quite an accomplishment seeing as it is not often that many American soldiers are offered that opportunity.

His experiences in Honduras and Bosnia would influence him to join the health services field.. “I did not think so at first, but I believe so now. I remember the children in Bosnia and Herzegovina. I pulled guard on a school for a few weeks and had a great time with the children. They thought all Americans ate MREs. They would beg for "lunch buckets" and pencils. I noticed there was a greater need once NATO pulled out. I assume that is why I went into social work when I left the Army. Once I started working with children, I loved it. Each kid is so special in their own memorable way.”

Over the course of four years, Kevin would conduct child welfare investigations, build cases, testify in court, and certify foster parents as a Child Welfare Specialist. Kevin recalls all the cases involving child deaths but one case in particular he wishes he could have changed. It was regarding the placement of an infant with his father. “The father, a Soldier, murdered the child. There was no reason to deny the placement, but hindsight is 20/20.”

Wanting to raise a family, Kevin left the health services field and now works for the department of defense. “I knew I could not work in this field and come home to my daughter each night. It is too emotionally draining. You have a tendency to think of your own children while investigating. It's hard not to act on your emotions when interviewing alleged perpetrators. Generally, the work is too hard on a person.” With difficult careers behind him, did all these events change how he would raise his daughter? “I feel it has made me a better father. I have more patience and enjoy the time I have with my Isabella.”

Post Write:

I'm not sure if it is just being away from it for few days but I feel somewhat better about this draft. I know Kevin personally and I fell like he deserves a better paper than I submitted. It looks cleaner because I was able to trim some of the fat off of it. I don't think there will ever be a point where I feel like the paper will be just as I want it. In this case, Kevin is someone I look up to at times so I don't think I'll ever get to a comfortable point with this essay without exceeding the limits of the paper. At that point it might end up being a biography (lol). If you had to do a profile essay for someone that you look up to, would you be able to write it between 500–700 words? Do you feel like it's a somewhat better draft than the first? I found myself having a hard time pinpointing a solid thesis but the paper lead me to go with dealing with tough times and if you can overcome its affects to go on to help others in their tragedies. Do you feel like the nut graf was clear?

The Children's Hero

“I remember displaced families and people running across streets as fast as they could run. We had a lot of trouble with snipers at the time.” His face stern as scenes of Bosnia shadow across it. “Also, the absence of color. The villages were shell ridden and dreary. It was a very depressing place. I feel our presence made a difference and I am proud that NATO intervened.”

The Bosnian war was an international armed conflict that started in April of 1992 and was fought to December 1995. Many heinous war crimes were committed during that time that included genocide, mass rape and psychological oppression.

Kevin Stone , now at 36 years of age, and his unit spent eighteen months establishing and then preserving peace during and after the war. He has seen many things that would shatter the spirit of an average human being. “I had never seen death before until Bosnia. I appreciate life more now based on my military experiences.” After seeing what war brings, how would that affect someones life? How would it change them? Kevin's military past would abruptly decide his civilian future for him.

His green eyes are gazing at the photos of family and fellow soldiers on the crimson walls of his office. The 36 year old sitting back in his computer chair, runs his hand through his short dark hair and asks me if I'd like to see some of the stuff he brought back from his time spent overseas. I gather my things from the interview and follow the stocky 5'7” veteran. Kevin leads me back down a flight of carpeted stairs back to the living room area where a glass hutch is proudly displaying various objects from different parts of the world.

“My highest award is the Army Commendation medal, but I am most proud of my Schützenschnur.” He points to a beautifully braided silver cord that is wrapped around the Bundeswehr eagle medal at the top. The Bundeswehr Schützenschnur is awarded to enlisted soldiers for weapons proficiency with a G36 German service rifle, a P8 pistol, and an MG3 machine gun. Quite an accomplishment seeing as it is not often that many American soldiers are offered that opportunity.

Upon finishing his military career, Kevin would join the health services field. His experiences in Honduras and Bosnia would influence this decision. “I did not think so at first, but I believe so now. I remember the children in Bosnia and Herzegovina. I pulled guard on a school for a few weeks and had a great time with the children. They thought all Americans ate MREs. They would beg for "lunch buckets" and pencils. I noticed there was a greater need once NATO pulled out. I assume that is why I went into social work when I left the Army.” His caring nature would serve him well in helping children in need. “Once I started working with children, I loved it. Each kid is so special in their own memorable way.”

Over the course of four years, Kevin would conduct child welfare investigations and certify foster parents as a Child Welfare Specialist. He also built child welfare cases and would testify in court on some occasions. Most cases were difficult but some were worse than others. Kevin recalls all the cases involving child deaths but one case in particular he wishes he could have changed. Sometimes hard decisions have to be made and this one was regarding the placement of an infant with his father. “The father, a Soldier, murdered the child. There was no reason to deny the placement, but hindsight is 20/20.”

Wanting to raise a family, Kevin left the health services field and now works for the department of defense. “I knew I could not work in this field and come home to my daughter each night. It is too emotionally draining. You have a tendency to think of your own children while investigating. It's hard not to act on your emotions when interviewing alleged perpetrators. Generally, the work is too hard on a person.”

Kevin agrees that with difficult careers behind him, the health services field guided how he would raise his daughter. “I feel it has made me a better father. I have more patience and enjoy the time I have with my Isabella.” This soldier's story may or may not be unique but there is something to be said for someone who has seen war and continued on to not only lead a normal life, but help others to live normal lives as well.

Post Write: I feel like a lot of the essay may seem fragmented and doesn’t flow as well as I wanted it to. Maybe there could be more description as to what Kevin looks like. I feel that many things need to be done. One of them is to cut down the size of the essay as it is well over the limit. Did I describe what Kevin looked like well enough or could it use more? Do you think the 2 ideas merged into a good thesis? Did you enjoy the read? Do you fell like I applied all the fundamentals of a good profile essay?

Application Essay - Umass Dartmouth Transfer (Second Draft)

UMASS Dartmouth

Transfer applicants must attach a one-page statement about the experiences and the reasons why you are considering transfer or resuming your academic career.

My Path

I had graduated high school and started working because I really hadn't decided what to take in college. I even applied to BCC but I never followed through. I started getting into a little debt and promised myself that I would work for a year, clear that debt and all the while, find out what I wanted to go to college for. I have artistic and culinary skills that come naturaly to me but I didn't want to chance becoming that starving artist. Although the culinary field wouldn't leave me "starving", it wasn't as fulfilling. Pun intended. Well, needless to say, none of that ever happened. My parents instilled in me that a well paying job was one of the most important things in life. But what about the things in between like satifaction in doing what you do? What about the things that I really wanted? I remember telling them that I was going to be lawyer because it was a job that would pay well and it would please them. This attitude is what started me down that path. 

 

For over 10 years I have been in a rut in my life where I would just live paycheck to paycheck. Taking a step forward meant I would soon be falling 2 steps behind. No matter what I did, I couldn't seem to get on par with anything. I felt like I was shackled in chains and being lead down this dark road by a demon. There had to be something more to life than this. Thirteen years later at the ripe young age of 32, I joined the National Guard. The military was always something that lingered in the back of my mind: I would serve my country, it would pay for my education, and offer benefits. To be a part of something bigger than myself. That was something noble but I didnt want to be the average soldier either. 

How can I help my battle buddies as much as possible by more than just putting lead down range with an M4 rifle? I want to be there for the troops that defended our country. Perhaps I could help soldiers deal with what they saw out in the war zone. What makes people do what they do has always fascinated me. A very good friend in the field of pyschology once told me that most people who enter his field, try to diagnos themsleves. Was he right? Was I on a quest to discover more about myself? Am I doing this for the wrong reasons? I wanted to turn my questions into answers. I wanted to help those that felt lost, confused, or hopeless. I want to be that beacon of light through the fog of life that everyone gets caught in; Especially for my fellow soldiers.

With a good education, I can help people who need it most. Using psychology as a catalyst, I would fight the war on a different front. Helping soldiers recover from the damage that terrorism has wreaked on their minds would be my mission. With an education as my shield and the military as my sword I face our demons...prepared.

Post write: I think the revision process needs some work. Although the changes were made as suggested, I disagree with some of it. Resetting the paragraphs, I feel, disrupted the mindset I tried to create. A great example of this would be in the last paragraph and how it would tie into the first three sentences in paragraph 2 (which should be the start of the essay), setting the tone for the essay. I'm not really sure what remains to be done aside from more revision. Some arranging of paragraphs is questionable to me as stated before. After reading both drafts, how would you edit the essay? Which draft is more appealing to you and why? How far would you go for your education?