Cover Letter - Second Draft

            I have decided to submit Animal instincts, Umass Datmouth - Application essay, The Children's Hero, and Alternate future into my portfolio. I believe they are a good representation of the progress I have made as two of the pieces were written earlier in the semester while the last two were toward the finish.

            In Animal Instincts, I had to write about an important core belief of my own within a 350-500 word, double-spaced format that should last about three minutes when read aloud. Although the first thing that would come to anyone's mind would be something on the serious side but this essay encouraged us to be positive or even have some humor in it. While telling a story, be sure to include when the belief was formed, tested or changed but most of all use a personal tone with  words that are comfortable for the writer to speak.

            I wanted to include this essay because it was my first literary work in thirteen years, let alone in college.  Most of all, when I see this essay, I think about how this topic was created. I let the paper run away with itself and the thesis seemed to emerge from it. It's one thing to hear how it's done but to see it happening first hand on a subject your passionate about, is something quite different. It's made an impression upon me and it definitely affected my writing from there on.

            On this essay I took what my peer had to say and applied it. It seemed to build up to the anecdote at the end which was originally the introduction. I think that paragraph would have worked on either end of the essay. Fitting it at the beginning would engage the reader and grab their attention while at the end it was able to leave a lasting impression on the reader and drive the point home. Reading it now, I like the warm feeling that it leaves me with giving the change merit.

            The application essay to UMass Dartmouth is asking me to select a current prompt from a college or university our our choosing. It should be well written and stay within the 350-500 word allowance with the prompt clearly above the essay. Topic sentences should be included for each paragraph while a good amount of evidence, be it personal experience or simply research on the college, is recommended for validity. Lastly, a dominate impression should made upon the reader so that the writer can stand out in the crowd yet fit into their college.

            My attempt to add some humor into my writing came somewhat natural when I was writing it but didn’t feel as easy on paper.  The question was very open ended so it allowed me to fully express what I felt. I decided to state my case as to why I have decided to attend college after so many years away. I know I'm not the first but wanted to get a little bit about my unique story out there.

            Here, I made some peer recommended changes that I did not completely agree with. I can see what my peer means by swapping some paragraphs around to be more chronologically sound however, it seems to change the flow I tried to create. After making the peer suggested changes, I feel that the point still gets across and maybe I'm just a being a little hypercritical. This essay was important for me because it represents a turning point in regards to being more open to suggestions from others.

            My profile assignment challenges me to create a portrait in words through  interviewing a person of interest to me as well as others. The 500-750 word guideline may seem grotesquely large at first glance but after some interviewing with a person you really do admire, it seems more constricting. An engaging lead should grasp at the reader while your nutgraf should be clear and meaningful. The body should be woven from great ideas and facts about the subject as well as a physical description of the character. Quotations and anecdotes will breath life into your person of interest. Finally, finish off with a conclusion that will leave a strong impression.

            I included this because I feel it would open people eyes and get them to think. How would you handle it if you were in his shoes?  Would you have taken that job dealing with the occasional suffering of children? There is something to learn from Kevin's story. Although there will always be darker days ahead of you, if you keep your head high, you will see the light beyond the darkness. Kevin did so and he helped many people along the way. He is an inspiration and he helped motivate me to attend college for Psychology.

            There was some slight changes I made to this paper. I “trimmed the fat” and it seemed like it is a sharper essay. I combined and adjusted the last two paragraphs to make it more concise.  I'm not sure I can agree with how some people feel about the thesis. It may need more  focus but I don't think that it is to far off the mark.

            Alternative Future, the trend essay, was an assignment that wanted us to analyze a recent pattern in the behaviors of a clearly identified social group or culture, that is expressing a change over time. It was to be contained within a three-to-five page, double spaced framework. The thesis should state clearly what the trend is. The thesis should not only include the specified group but a precise period of time when the trend occurred and the degree of change, whether an increase or decrease. Lastly, cite all sources in an MLA format which should meet the minimum requirement of two.

            Including the trend essay is a requirement but I also feel that it is the culmination of all semester and it deserves its spot in my portfolio. Just as the Animal Instincts essay marked the beginning of my journey through English 101, The Alternatives essay should represent my polished final product as a writer. I feel that the trend essay should be interesting and informative. The graph would catch the eye while the introduction paragraph would capture the attention. The options offered in my trend essay may bring some insight to automotive illiterate individuals. The essay may even perk the interest of some people to investigate further into those vehicles. They may find that car manufacturers are designing hybrids to make more horsepower.

            There was much information that needed to be added  that I was unaware of. Being in the automotive field for so many years dulls my attention to the fact that not everyone knew what an OEM was. Although that was explained in my second draft, I left the question in the lead paragraph as it was. Some people felt that it was to broad but I feel that anyone reading about hybrids will fully know what that question is trying to do.  I cleaned up some of the issues in regards to quoting correctly and making it easier to read.

            In conclusion, I believe that the final draft of each essay should be read in their original form as I have left them because it demonstrates (at least to me) how far along I have come in English 101. To redraft another copy would ruin the progression of learning. Would you change an entry in your journal just to make it sound better after a year of pouring your soul into it? It is a reflection of you as a writer over time.

             I feel like I have come a long way as a technical writer. I didn’t feel like I needed to perfect much when it came to creative writing. I found out along the way that I always feel like I missed the mark when it came to nailing down the focus and staying within the structure of the assignment.  Do most creative writers feel like a caged wild animal when confining their talents as I do? It was always a struggle for me to put out good work and many times I feel like I fell short. Every time there was comments to be read I usually saw “thoughtful” or “concrete” but alas I never did get to see the one word I was hoping for...Promising.

Cover Letter (VERY rough first draft)

Introduction~~~

This I believe – Animal Instincts~~~

                I wanted to include this essay because it was my first literary work in English 101, in college, and in 13 years. After reading it over I notice many things I would change but I feel like I shouldn’t. To redraft another copy would ruin the progression of learning. Would you change an entry in your journal just to make it sound better after a year of pouring your soul into a book? It is a reflection of you as a writer at the time.

Application essay -  Umass Dartmouth~~~

                My attempt to add some humor into my writing came somewhat natural when I was writing it but didn’t feel as easy on paper.

Profile – The Children’s Hero~~~

                I included this because I feel it would make you think. How would you handle it if you were in his shoes?  Getting a job later on to deal with seeing some children suffer would seem difficult. Would they have taken the job to help people in need like Kevin did? After everything that he has seen, it may be more difficult you think.

Trend – Alternative Future~~~

                Including the trend essay is a requirement but I also feel that it is the culmination of all semester and it deserves its spot in my portfolio. Just as the Animal Instincts essay marked the beginning of my journey through English 101, The Alternatives essay should represent the polished final product as a writer. Driving a cleaner vehicle is something everyone can do but might not be able to afford yet. The options offered in my trend essay may bring some insight to automotive illiterate individuals. The essay may even perk the interest of some people to investigate further into those vehicles. They may find that car manufacturers are designing hybrids to make more horsepower.

Conclusion~~~

Quite honestly I didn’t feel like I had progressed much because I felt that there was too much doing to get any learning done.  My first step was looking at some of my earlier works and it was painfully obvious that things have changed. I feel like I have come a long way as a technical writer. I didn’t feel like I needed to perfect much when it came to creative writing but I found out along the way that I always feel like I missed the mark when it came to nailing down the focus and staying within the structure of the assignment.  Do most creative writers feel like a caged wild animal when confining their talents as I do? I feel like more can be done but I don’t mean in putting more down on paper but in the classroom. I felt like we were blasting through all this material to meet a guideline rather than to see if the material was actually learned.

Alternate Future - Trend Essay (Second Draft)

There is more of them out there today, than there have ever been before. They are more powerful, more quiet, and could be the answer to a looming crisis. As we speed headlong into our near future, that crisis comes into focus...what happens when the oil wells run dry? On the transportation front, Original Equipment Manufacturers (OEM) are taking a stand. Automotive manufacturers are continually offering more Alternative Fuel Vehicles (AFV) and Hybrid Electric Vehicles (HEV) every year since 1991.

(worksheet figure 1)

In 1991, Ford and GM took the plunge by selling the first vehicles to fit in the AFV / HEV label and in ten years, just over fourty models were available between seven manufacturers. Eighty models from fourteen different manufacturers are being offered in 2011. That's over thirty models more then what was offered last year alone. It seems a trend was developing and automotive manufacturers were aware that there was a growing market in alternative fuel and hybrid vehicles. “Global companies like Ford, Nissan, Toyota, Volkswagen and Daimler have spent billions of dollars to develop electric and plug-in hybrid cars.” says Keith Bradsher, an author for the New York Times.

Some of these car companies, like Ford and Toyota, have teamed up to help prevent some of the possible problems we face. Nick Bunkley reinforces this idea, through an interview, in his article, Ford and Toyota to Work Together on Hybrid System for Trucks. ''Clearly Ford and Toyota will remain competitors,'' said Derrick Kuzak, Ford's group vice president for research and development. ''By working together, we will be able to offer our customers more affordable technology sooner." (Bunkley 2011) Collaborations like this have happened in the past to perfect a technology but like Kuzak had mentioned, they still walk away competitors. After the smoke clears, the average consumer would probably ask, ”What's in it for me?”

Some of the positive effects from investing into an alternative fuel/hybrid car is cleaner air thanks to better emissions. We can lessen our dependance on foreign oil and saving on fuel costs alone is enough to coax city drivers to purchase one. In Technology and Engineering Teacher, Walter F. Deal, III mentions that gasoline engines aren't very efficient. He writes, “Electric motors convert 75% of the chemical energy from the batteries to power the wheels--internal combustion engines (ICEs) only convert 20% of the energy stored in gasoline.” (Deal III, 2010)

There are some perks to picking up one of these cars such as better driving conditions. On Livestrong.com, Josh Duvauchelle states,” (For example), several states give hybrid car drivers the use of special carpool lanes so they can bypass traffic quicker. Some businesses, restaurants and facilities also provide hybrid car-only parking spaces.” I have noticed several hybrid spots right at the entrance to many building on military bases but if preferential treatment isn’t enough for you, then maybe saving some cold hard cash is the perk your looking for. “The U.S. Internal Revenue Service extends several tax benefits to help reduce the upfront costs of purchasing a hybrid car. This can give you a tax credit of up to $2,000, according to the Idaho Department of Environmental Quality.” states Josh in his article, Positive Impact of Hybrid Cars.

In conclusion, together we have created these growing issues and together we can solve them. Car companies team up to make their technology more effective so they can offer reliable options in their hybrid/alternative fuel vehicles. Government, businesses, restaurants and many facilities all offer their incentives to clean up the air. With all the great reasons to buy hybrid, it's no wonder there's a trend that has been growing since the early 90's. Being smart never sounded so cool or looked so trendy.

  

Bibliography:

Going green with electric vehicles: there is considerable interest in electric and hybrid cars because of environmental and climate change concerns, tougher fuel efficiency standards, and increasing dependence on imported oil. Walter F. Deal, III. Technology and Engineering Teacher. 70.3 (Nov. 2010) p5. Word Count: 3585.Going Electric Humans by their very nature are mobile beings. From the earliest of times, when humans were hunter-gathers or nomadic peoples, they moved from one place to another in search of food, shelter, and changes 

Ford and Toyota to Work Together on Hybrid System for Trucks. Nick Bunkley. The New York Times. (Aug. 23, 2011) Business News: pB3(L). Word Count: 598.DEARBORN, Mich. -- Ford Motor Company and Toyota Motor said on Monday that they would jointly develop a gas-electric hybrid fuel system for pickup trucks and sport utility vehicles aimed at keeping larger models  
  

Hybrid in a Trade Squeeze. Keith Bradsher. The New York Times. (Sept. 6, 2011) Business News: pB1(L). Word Count: 1625.TIANJIN, China -- For General Motors and the Obama administration, the new Chevrolet Volt plug-in hybrid represents the automotive future, the culmination of decades of high-tech research financed partly with federal dol 

Worksheet available at http://www.afdc.energy.gov/afdc/data/index.html

Josh Duvauchelle. Positive Impact of Hybrid Cars. Livestrong.com, 30 June 2010. Web. 2 Dec. 2011. http://www.livestrong.com/article/156156-positive-impact-of-hybrid-cars/

Post write: I feel the paper is sharper and clearly explained than the previous  focused some more. The subject is very broad AFV and HEV. The example is when the reader is presented with the question" what happens when the oil wells run dry?" I think the question isn't that vague to where it must be explained. I think what remains to be done is perhaps adding some negative effects but I feel that the positive effects will help solve a much more dangerous problem. Although doing so will create some much needed lengthening of the article. Do you think that the essay needs to explain some unexplained ideas? Is the article overall a better versionthan the last and if not what would you change?

Alternatives - Trend Essay

There is more of them out there today, than there have ever been before. They are more powerful, more quiet, and could be the answer to a looming crisis. As we speed headlong into our near future, that crisis comes into focus...what happens when the oil wells run dry? On the transportation front, car companies are taking a stand. Automotive manufacturers are continually offering more alternative fuel and hybrid vehicles every year since 1991.

(worksheet figure 1)

In 1991, Ford and GM took the plunge by selling the first vehicles to fit in the alternative fuel/hybrid car label and in ten years, just over fourty models were available between seven manufacturers. Eighty models from fourteen different manufacturers are being offered in 2011. That's over thirty models more then what was offered last year alone. It seems a trend was developing and automotive manufacturers were aware that there was a growing market in alternative fuel and hybrid vehicles. “Global companies like Ford, Nissan, Toyota, Volkswagen and Daimler have spent billions of dollars to develop electric and plug-in hybrid cars.” says Keith Bradsher, an author for the New York Times.

Some of these car companies, like Ford and Toyota, have teamed up to help prevent some of the possible problems we face. Nick Bunkley reinforces this idea in his article, Ford and Toyota to Work Together on Hybrid System for Trucks. ''Clearly Ford and Toyota will remain competitors,'' said Derrick Kuzak, Ford's group vice president for research and development. ''By working together, we will be able to offer our customers more affordable technology sooner.'' Collaborations like this have happened in the past to perfect a technology but like Kevin had mentioned, they still walk away competitors. After the smoke clears, the average consumer would probably ask, ”What's in it for me?”

Some of the positive effects from investing into an alternative fuel/hybrid car is cleaner air thanks to better emissions. We can lessen our dependance on foreign oil and saving on fuel costs alone is enough to coax city drivers to purchase one. In Technology and Engineering Teacher, Walter F. Deal, III mentions that gasoline engines aren't very efficient. He writes, “Electric motors convert 75% of the chemical energy from the batteries to power the wheels--internal combustion engines (ICEs) only convert 20% of the energy stored in gasoline.”

There are some perks to picking up one of these cars such as better driving conditions. On Livestrong.com, Josh Duvauchelle states,” (For example), several states give hybrid car drivers the use of special carpool lanes so they can bypass traffic quicker. Some businesses, restaurants and facilities also provide hybrid car-only parking spaces.” I have noticed several hybrid spots right at the entrance to many building on military bases but if preferential treatment isn’t enough for you, then maybe saving some cold hard cash is the perk your looking for. “The U.S. Internal Revenue Service extends several tax benefits to help reduce the upfront costs of purchasing a hybrid car. This can give you a tax credit of up to $2,000, according to the Idaho Department of Environmental Quality.” states Josh in his article, Positive Impact of Hybrid Cars.

In conclusion, together we have created these growing issues and together we can solve them. Car companies team up to make their technology more effective so they can offer reliable options in their hybrid/alternative fuel vehicles. Government, businesses, restaurants and many facilities all offer their incentives to clean up the air. With all the great reasons to buy hybrid, it's no wonder there's a trend that has been growing since the early 90's. Being smart never sounded so cool or looked so trendy.

  

Bibliography:

Going green with electric vehicles: there is considerable interest in electric and hybrid cars because of environmental and climate change concerns, tougher fuel efficiency standards, and increasing dependence on imported oil. Walter F. Deal, III. Technology and Engineering Teacher. 70.3 (Nov. 2010) p5. Word Count: 3585.Going Electric Humans by their very nature are mobile beings. From the earliest of times, when humans were hunter-gathers or nomadic peoples, they moved from one place to another in search of food, shelter, and changes 

Ford and Toyota to Work Together on Hybrid System for Trucks. Nick Bunkley. The New York Times. (Aug. 23, 2011) Business News: pB3(L). Word Count: 598.DEARBORN, Mich. -- Ford Motor Company and Toyota Motor said on Monday that they would jointly develop a gas-electric hybrid fuel system for pickup trucks and sport utility vehicles aimed at keeping larger models  
  

Hybrid in a Trade Squeeze. Keith Bradsher. The New York Times. (Sept. 6, 2011) Business News: pB1(L). Word Count: 1625.TIANJIN, China -- For General Motors and the Obama administration, the new Chevrolet Volt plug-in hybrid represents the automotive future, the culmination of decades of high-tech research financed partly with federal dol 

Worksheet available at http://www.afdc.energy.gov/afdc/data/index.html

Josh Duvauchelle. Positive Impact of Hybrid Cars. Livestrong.com, 30 June 2010. Web. 2 Dec. 2011. http://www.livestrong.com/article/156156-positive-impact-of-hybrid-cars/

Post write: I feel the paper is very informational and at the same time could be focused some more. The subject is very broad and I think many people are aware of some of the facts that are in my essay. One example is presented when I mention that driving hybrids can save money and its better for the environment. I think what remains to be done involves maybe some more focusing and possibly lengthening the article as it just makes the 3 page requirement. Do you think that the essay explains the thesis well or should more depth be added to it? Is the article focused or do you feel like it’s a little all over the place?